The last straw

So, I have been thinking for awhile, to write my own blog. My own story, my own words (hopefully without too many misspellings) and it can be about all the things that I love AND hate. So where do I start. Basically, yesterday while at my husbands work, we were approached by a few of his coworkers, and they were all talking about how him and I needed to have kids. Is that a compliment? I like to think so, I’m friggen awesome, and my other half is pretty much the coolest guy that walks the planet! I feel like for the most part I am really happy that people think we will make cute, fun kids, they obviously think we will be good parents, heck, maybe they even think we DESERVE it. But the fact of the matter is that I have been contraceptive free for 1,825 days, give or take a minute or two  and not ONCE have I ever had a “false alarm” or “oopsie daisy”. I have however, excitedly went and bought dozens of pregnancy tests, and prayed my heart out for the “2 minutes but no longer than 10 minutes” time period, all of which have come back a big fat “better luck next month” as we call it in our house! Anyways, maybe if I didn’t go through this sick addiction called “hope” every month, I wouldn’t be offended so easily. I mean really, these people have the best intentions, and I just feel like they think that I don’t give a damn to have kids, or that I haven’t once thought about the joy that a child could bring to my life. Or that I constantly don’t fear that I could end up old and alone, because if something happens to my husband, I have nothing left of him. Nothing. I know that the Lord has designed me to be a mother. I may doubt the accuracy of EPT (or want them to be wrong so badly) BUT, what I do know, is that I am meant to be a mother. It is the strongest ability that I have, I just know it in my heart. And I know that He knows that, and that someday, SOMEHOW I will have my baby, but what do I tell people in the meantime? I will admit, I am good at laughing things off, I make a funny joke to deal with life sometimes, but when I get home, all I can think is how upset I am that every just wants to know why we don’t have kids. Do they really want to know? I feel like if they did, it wouldn’t seem like a joke to them. They would come to me or the hubs in privacy and ask if we were going to have kids, they would then listen when I (or he) tells them how much of a struggle it has been, how many functions I have cried before (and after) because I see other peoples dreams come true, while mine just sit, they sit in my heart. I could even tell them that we have our first appointment at a fertility clinic in 2 months to really get the ball going. Or I could tell them how I feel like some people think that we haven’t been blessed with a baby yet, because we “aren’t ready”. I have literally been asked twice, yes, TWICE by family members, what exactly we are going through. I have DOZENS of people in my family (including in-laws), and only 2 of them have asked about our struggle. Why? I don’t know, do they think we don’t want kids? Do they think it is a sensitive subject? It is sensitive, but not as hurtful as it being ignored. Do they think we aren’t ready and are just happy that the “accident” has happened yet? That’s what I feel most of the time. Which sucks. I hope they would be excited for us, but I honestly, from the bottom of my heart, dread telling certain people (mainly family) that day when we find out. That’s a real bad feeling, to know that someday, your happiest day, will also be the most stressful about how people might react. Well hot damn, if you made it reading this far, props to you, I didn’t think it would be so easy to just type on and on and on. I am going to be super pissed if when I am done, it says I used to many characters  Anyways, what do I do? What do I say? Do I just say “Oh, we are trying, in Gods time I guess”, or “Hey, fuck off, its my eggs and his sperm, you don’t need to know” “Or do I just keep smiling, and can cry about it on my way home? Oh btw, my favorite is when a person is either uncomfortably pregnant or has crazy kids and says “See, isn’t this good birth control?”. But what can I do? Especially if it is a stranger that I know I wont ever see again. Do I just go with it that way they don’t feel awkward. Or at what point do I do what is BEST FOR ME. Whatever helps ME sleep at night. Hmm. So much to deal with. Thanks for reading.